I’ve had lots of questions over the last few months about how I’m feeling and how I’m recovering. It’s been a very SLOW physical process, and while I’m thankful to be almost 8 months out from open heart surgery, I’m still definitely struggling with physical energy, and I’m not where I’d like to be.

HOWEVER, what HAS been improving lately is my mental strength and energy.

Part of the story of the last year and a half has been about how much childhood trauma came out of hiding when I found out I’d need to have open heart surgery. I would never have guessed that the mental/emotional part of this journey would be JUST as hard as the physical. I had so many feelings, all. the. time. Overwhelm, anger, fear, frustration, fear, resentment, fear, fury (deeper than plain ole anger), and did I mention fear? “All the feelings all the time”, meant that I wasn’t able to THINK as clearly as usual, and I had what felt like zero capacity for anything difficult or stressful. And on any given day, EVERYTHING felt difficult and stressful.

I struggled with expressing myself verbally (oh, I talk a lot, but not always coherently), and I’d be in the middle of sentences and have no idea what the next word was supposed to be. Simple words. They were just gone! It felt often like I was losing my mind and like there were way too many tabs open and everything just needed to be SHUT DOWN already. I would try to create or execute a plan, and it was immediate overwhelm. I felt like I was losing ME. The go-getter, the get it done, the let’s make this happen girl. She was…. gone.

For several months after surgery, this did not improve AT ALL. But around 7 months out, I started to notice a difference. Slowly but surely, within the last few weeks, I’ve felt like my brain is starting to work again. I’m still forgetting words regularly, and my capacity is not anywhere near 100%, but I’m feeling energized to dream, plan, hope, and work again. It’s exciting to get up in the mornings and think about what’s on the To Do list, and feel like I can actually accomplish some of the tasks.

I can finally see glimpses of the Charlene that was before, but with quite a few improvements. Because interestingly, as I’ve muddled through all the trauma for the last year, I’ve actually found that I’m DEALING with the trauma. And healing has begun on decades-long wounds. As those wounds heal, I have clarity, strength and wholeness now that I didn’t even know I needed.

And for that, I’m grateful.

When I sat down last night to think about what I’d like to share for today’s Gratituesday post, I started to feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed in a GOOD way! You see, it’s been one crazy week of SNOW and LOW temps and MORE SNOW and VERY LOW temps. There was a lot that could have been stressful about the blizzard of the decade, like my husband had to miss two days of work because we were totally snowed in and our heater can’t keep up when the temps get below 10 degrees (which they totally did), and our daughter was supposed to leave town in the middle of this storm. Just little details, really.

But the good – oh, the good. The list is long, but here is what I’ve been thankful for over the last four to five days, in no particular order: space heaters, a full pantry full of food and yummy snacks, extended time at home with my husband, electric blankets, hot water, a freezer full of more food, warm fuzzy socks and slippers, plenty of books on my kindle app to read, no morning alarms for four days, extra time to pray and focus on business and this coming year, internet and a laptop so I could keep working and designing at home, people with snow blowers and shovels who are willing to dig out your cars for very affordable prices, electricity, streaming movies and shows to watch, and did I mention lots and lots of free time?

Allan and I are total homebodies, so a three day weekend stuck at home with nothing to do but relax and hang out is something we’re always up for, especially since the electricity, internet and space heaters all kept working. (Don’t ask what the temps were in the non-space-heated rooms – let’s just say we’re also really glad our son was away at college in a warm dorm room, since we didn’t have enough space heaters for ALL the rooms). We (crazily?) sent our daughter out the door on Friday with other youth group kids to a youth rally in Kansas City for the weekend, (and only “kind of” stalked her trip the entire way on Life 360). So, it was literally just the two of us, and HUGE snow drifts outside our doors and surrounding our cars, keeping us home.

And oh my… I totally forgot to add something to the Gratitude list. PEANUT BUTTER!! Our daughter has severe peanut allergy, and we don’t typically eat peanut butter in our house. But…with her gone for the weekend, we MIGHT have made a few peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (and carefully cleaned up afterwards), and we MIGHT have enjoyed those sandwiches VERY, VERY much!

So, all in all, it was a great weekend. The temps are still super low, and there is talk of more snow on Thursday, and we are kinda over it already… but I am going to keep reminding myself how blessed we are!

All last week, we were watching the weather forecast for this week because it appeared that our first BIG snowfall (blizzard) for the year was on the horizon. Sometimes in Nebraska, snow is on the forecast, but then it does not appear. This was NOT one of those times. Most towns near us, and including ours, had school cancellations BEFORE any snow even fell, because the meteorologists were totally sure we were in for it. And.. we were! Yesterday, the snow started falling around 7:30 a.m. or so (about a half hour after my husband left for work), and it just kept falling. All day long. It was beautiful to watch from the warmth of my living room chair, but as the day went on, I wondered, “How is Allan (my husband) going to park in our driveway??!” I am not physically able to shovel snow, so that was out. My daughter Martha is still getting over mono, so I wasn’t sure if that was the best option. I pondered it for a couple hours, and probably worried more than I should have.

Thankfully, when I mentioned it to her, Martha was TOTALLY up for shoveling. She LOVES the snow, and was itching to get out into it. About 30 minutes before hubby was expected home, she headed out, cute as can be in her brand new hot pink winter coat, with braided pigtails and matching hot pink tennis shoes. (Yes, the girl needs boots for future snow days). (Photo is her smiling at our security camera, so it’s a bit pixelated).

She worked hard to create an opening for my husband’s car and a walkway for him to get to the house, and then when I expected her to come in, she headed over to the lawn area to make a snowman. I continued watching from my warm kitchen, drinking hot decaf peppermint mocha coffee, and might have had a tear or two in my eyes.

It’s been a rough couple of months for Martha. She got mono right around Thanksgiving, and basically missed ALL the fun parts of the end of the first semester. She wasn’t able to compete in One Act when they went to State, she didn’t get to perform in the show choir concert after choreographing one of the numbers for her team, and she wasn’t able to work for several weeks, which meant no paycheck and NO Christmas shopping. And doing anything, schoolwork included, made her exhausted. Needless to say, she’s a bit behind, been a little stressed, and feeling isolated and tired of feeling tired. Watching her outside, working and then playing in the snow, and seeing her BRIGHT beautiful smile, was such a gift.

And the peppermint mocha decaf coffee? Just my favorite Christmas gift from the family – decaf coffee Keurig pods and Peppermint Mocha creamer. So perfect for snow days like yesterday… and today! It continued to snow last night until some time early this morning. Martha is not out shoveling today, but my husband is home, so he is! Thankful for HIM too!

What are you grateful for today? What are small blessings (or big ones) that you can thank God for?